Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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