sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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