Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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