found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
