Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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