Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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