just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
