You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
two words...techno handjob
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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