I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
