i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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