I want to make a zoo with you.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
