When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
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