Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
