I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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