so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
