end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize