dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
