She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
