Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
