I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
