my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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