just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Use "feeling words"
Yay
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
