how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
