So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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