Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize