Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Apparently you make a good broom.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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