I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
