peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
