i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
