i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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