i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
