Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
