My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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