Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
