i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
