I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
