Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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