I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
