Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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