I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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