Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
