Taylor Swift is so right about you.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
