Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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