So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
