Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
