don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
