She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
