he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
