Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Terrible idea I love it
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize