are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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