Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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