dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
