I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
