OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He passed out mid-signature
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
