I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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