I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
