Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
