There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
