Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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