i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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