My balls are so social today.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
