just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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