I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
